Chapter 21 - THE FIRST NIGHT
Lily did not sleep in the room Claire prepared.
That surprised everyone except Ethan.
Claire had bought bedding.
Night-light.
Stuffed rabbit.
Books.
A small dresser.
Nothing excessive.
Ryan appreciated that.
Lily walked into the room.
Looked around.
Then asked:
“Where does Ethan sleep?”
Across the hall.
She looked at his room.
Then back at hers.
“Can I sleep on his floor?”
Claire started to answer.
Ryan stopped himself from doing the same.
Ethan shrugged.
“Okay.”
So Lily slept in a sleeping bag beside Ethan's bed.
At 11:14 p.m., Ryan heard footsteps.
He opened his bedroom door.
Lily stood in the hallway.
“Hey.”
She held Mara's old stuffed fox.
“Do you need something?”
Lily nodded.
Then didn't speak.
Ryan waited.
Finally:
“If you're my dad now...”
Ryan crouched.
“I was your dad before.”
She frowned.
He corrected himself.
“Biologically.”
Still too complicated.
Lily hugged the fox.
“Mama said you didn't know.”
“I didn't.”
“Did she lie?”
There it was.
No adult had prepared Ryan for that question.
He sat on the floor.
Lily sat too.
“Your mom told some things late.”
“That's lying.”
“Sometimes.”
Lily looked at him.
“Was she bad?”
“No.”
Ryan answered too quickly.
He slowed down.
“Your mom made choices I wish were different.”
Lily looked down.
“So did I.”
“You?”
“I hid in your wall.”
Ryan almost smiled.
“That was not the same.”
“I scared everybody.”
“You were scared.”
Lily picked at the fox's ear.
“Was Mama scared?”
“Yes.”
“Of you?”
Ryan thought carefully.
“Maybe of what would happen if everything changed.”
Lily nodded as if that made perfect sense.
Children understood fear before they understood law.
Then she asked:
“Can she still be my mom if I call you Dad?”
Ryan's throat tightened.
“Yes.”
“Even though she's dead?”
“Yes.”
“Even if I live here sometimes?”
“Yes.”
Lily looked relieved.
Ryan continued.
“Nobody gets replaced.”
She leaned against him.
They sat on the hallway floor.
No custody papers.
No DNA reports.
No dead brothers.
Just a five-year-old who needed one answer.
Nobody gets replaced.
From Ethan's doorway came a sleepy voice.
“Can you guys stop talking?”
Lily giggled.
Ryan whispered:
“Go back to bed.”
Ethan groaned.
Lily followed him into the room.
Ryan watched the door close.
Claire stood at the other end of the hallway.
She had heard everything.
Ryan looked at her.
She whispered:
“You were good.”
He shook his head.
“I answered a question.”
“For once our family could've used more of that.”
Ryan looked toward the children's rooms.
“Yeah.”
Then Claire said:
“There's something I haven't asked you.”
Ryan looked back.
“Do you want Lily to live here?”
Ryan didn't answer immediately.
May you like
Not because he didn't know.
Because this time he wanted to understand what yes would actually mean.
