Chapter 13 - Daniel Asked His Mother A Question She Couldn’t Answer Cleanly
Helen’s procedure was scheduled for Friday.
Routine enough that she hated anyone calling it serious.
Serious enough that Miles planned to sleep at Willow House for a week.
Daniel called her Thursday night.
“Do you want me there?”
Helen went quiet.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because you're my son.”
He rubbed his eyes.
“That answer worked better nineteen years ago.”
“I know.”
He almost hung up.
Instead:
“If I had come with you after the hospital, where would we have gone?”
Helen didn't answer immediately.
“Miles had a one-bedroom apartment.”
“So?”
“So I didn't have a plan.”
Daniel stared out the bedroom window.
“You wanted me and had nowhere for me.”
“Yes.”
“You could've gotten somewhere.”
“Probably.”
“Then why didn't you?”
“I was recovering. Angry. Broke. Your father and I were already talking through attorneys.”
“So?”
“So I was not the mother I wish I had been in the version I’ve told myself since.”
Daniel closed his eyes.
That was harder to fight.
“What version?”
“That I was ready to rescue you and you rejected me.”
He went quiet.
Helen continued.
“I wanted you. I also wanted you to make it easy.”
“By choosing you.”
“Yes.”
Daniel sat on the edge of the bed.
“And when I didn't?”
“I told myself forcing you would hurt you.”
“Did you believe that?”
“Some days.”
“And other days?”
“I was hurt.”
He nodded.
“Miles says he told you to leave me with Dad.”
“He did.”
“Did that influence you?”
“Yes.”
“Did you resent me?”
Helen took a breath.
“Yes.”
Daniel looked down.
“For choosing Dad.”
“For believing him immediately.”
“I was nineteen.”
“I know.”
“That doesn't make you sound better.”
“I’m not trying to.”
Silence.
Then Daniel asked:
“Did Dad ever apologize to you?”
“No.”
“Ever admit he grabbed you?”
“Once.”
Daniel looked up.
“When?”
“Years later.”
“What did he say?”
“He called it stopping me from walking out during a fight.”
Daniel almost smiled bitterly.
“Of course.”
Helen continued.
“I called it grabbing me.”
“Which was it?”
“Both people could describe the movement differently. Only one person had asked the other to let go.”
Daniel sat with that.
Then:
“Did you forgive him?”
“No.”
“Did you still love him?”
Helen became quiet.
“Yes.”
Daniel rubbed his eyes.
Families would be easier if love arranged people into moral categories.
It never had.
“What do you want from me now?”
Helen answered:
“One visit before I move.”
“Move?”
“I’m selling Willow House.”
Daniel stared.
“When?”
“Next month.”
“Where?”
“Colorado.”
“Miles?”
“His company transferred him.”
“And you’re going with him.”
“Yes.”
Daniel felt the old reaction arrive.
She chose Miles.
Even now.
Helen must have heard his breathing.
“This is practical.”
“I didn't say anything.”
“You didn't have to.”
He almost snapped.
Stopped.
Then:
“Do you want Lily to visit?”
“Yes.”
“Claire?”
“If she wants.”
“Miles?”
Helen hesitated.
“He lives there enough that pretending he doesn't exist has become ridiculous.”
Daniel laughed quietly.
Finally, something they agreed on.
“Will he be there?”
“If you come Saturday, yes.”
Daniel looked at the wall.
The request was not for reconciliation.
Just a room.
Everyone present.
No hidden floors.
No person upstairs because another person could not bear to see him.
“I don't know.”
Helen answered:
“Okay.”
No pressure.
That almost made him say yes.
He didn't.
After the call, Daniel came downstairs.
I was folding laundry.
“Willow House is being sold.”
“I know.”
He stared.
Of course I did.
“When did you know?”
“Yesterday.”
He laughed.
I put the shirt down.
“She told me before you.”
“Yes.”
“That still bothers me.”
“I know.”
He shook his head.
“Everyone knows things before me in this family.”
I looked at him.
“Then ask me what you want to know.”
He thought.
“Do you want to go Saturday?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want me there?”
I hesitated.
Daniel noticed.
Finally:
“Yes.”
“Why did that take so long?”
“Because I don't know whether going together means we’re okay.”
“It doesn’t.”
“Then yes.”
He nodded.
“Lily?”
“She should decide.”
He looked toward her room.
Then stopped himself from calling her.
May you like
“We ask tomorrow.”
Together.
