Chapter 12 - Claire Said Helen Had Become A Way Around Daniel
Daniel came home two days later.
Not back.
Home.
Difference.
He stood in the kitchen while I packed Lily’s lunch.
“I talked to Miles.”
I kept slicing strawberries.
“How was it?”
“Bad.”
“Useful?”
“Maybe.”
I put the knife down.
“Are you staying?”
“Tonight.”
That hurt less than I expected.
Maybe because it was honest.
He sat.
“I need to ask you something.”
“Okay.”
“If Helen had never asked to meet Lily, would you have told me you were talking to her?”
I thought.
“Eventually.”
His face tightened.
“That word is banned from this house.”
I almost smiled.
Then answered properly.
“I don't know.”
He nodded.
“Why did you keep answering her?”
We had already covered curiosity.
Stories.
Lily.
There was another part.
I had avoided it.
“Because talking to Helen let me be angry at you without fighting with you.”
Daniel stared.
“What does that mean?”
“When you shut down, she explained you.”
“I didn't ask her to.”
“I know.”
“She doesn't know me now.”
“I know.”
“Then why?”
Because sometimes it felt good to have someone say:
Daniel has always done that.
Daniel used to disappear when the family fought.
Daniel hates being cornered.
It made my frustration feel inherited rather than current.
It made Daniel easier to diagnose.
Harder to confront.
“I used her to make sense of you.”
His jaw tightened.
“That’s uncomfortable.”
“Yes.”
“And she liked it.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“She missed talking about you.”
Daniel looked away.
“And?”
I waited.
He knew.
“She also liked being the person who could tell me things you wouldn’t.”
“Exactly.”
We sat with that.
Then Daniel said:
“You two built a relationship around me without me.”
“Yes.”
I could not soften it.
“And Lily made it feel like family.”
“Yes.”
He rubbed his forehead.
“Do you still want her to see Helen?”
“Yes.”
He looked at me sharply.
I continued.
“But I won't take her secretly.”
“Would you take her if I said no?”
I thought carefully.
“Not tomorrow.”
“That isn’t an answer.”
“It’s the honest one.”
Daniel leaned back.
I continued.
“If you said Lily can never see Helen because you are hurt by Helen, I would disagree.”
“So you'd overrule me.”
“No.”
“What then?”
“I would keep arguing with you.”
He almost laughed.
“How romantic.”
“Better than lying.”
He nodded.
Then:
“I don't know whether I can trust you right now.”
My chest tightened.
“I know.”
“And I know you don't trust me not to shut everything down.”
“Yes.”
He looked toward Lily’s room.
“She should not be the bridge.”
“No.”
“Or the messenger.”
“No.”
“Or the evidence.”
That one hurt.
Restaurant.
Where did Mom take you?
The fries.
The table.
Daniel closed his eyes.
“I scared her.”
“Yes.”
He looked at me.
“Do you think I’m like my dad?”
I could have answered too quickly.
Instead:
“Sometimes you get louder when you think someone is leaving the conversation.”
His face changed.
I continued.
“I don't know enough about Thomas to tell you what that means.”
Daniel nodded.
Hard answer.
Safer than certainty.
My phone vibrated.
Helen.
I showed him the name without opening it.
“What do you want me to do?”
He stared at the screen.
Then:
“Whatever you would do if I wasn’t standing here.”
I answered.
“Hi, Helen.”
Her voice sounded tired.
“Claire. Is Daniel there?”
I looked at him.
“Yes.”
“May I speak to him?”
I held out the phone.
Daniel did not take it.
“Tell her to call me directly.”
Helen heard.
A pause.
Then:
“Okay.”
We ended the call.
Two minutes later Daniel’s phone rang.
MOM.
He watched it through four rings.
Then answered.
“Hi.”
May you like
I left the kitchen.
No one asked me to stay.
