Chapter 9 - Rachel Had Stayed Away On Purpose
Rachel took Ava to breakfast the next morning.
Daniel knew.
Vanessa knew.
Nobody approved it on behalf of anybody else.
That was apparently progress, though Ava refused to call it that.
Rachel chose a diner Julia used to like.
Ava studied the menu.
“What did Mom order?”
Rachel smiled.
“You don't have to eat her breakfast.”
“I know.”
“Chocolate-chip pancakes.”
Ava ordered eggs.
Rachel laughed.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Don't do that.”
Rachel raised both hands.
“Sorry.”
Ava stirred orange juice with the straw.
“Why didn't you come around?”
Rachel's smile faded.
“I told you yesterday.”
“You gave me the adult answer.”
Rachel leaned back.
“What does that mean?”
“The answer where everybody behaved badly but nobody says exactly what they did.”
Rachel looked out the window.
Then nodded.
“Fair.”
Ava waited.
“After Julia died, I blamed Daniel.”
“Because of the argument?”
“Yes.”
“Did you know what he said?”
“Julia told me.”
“Did you tell him you knew?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I wanted him to hurt.”
Ava looked at her.
Rachel did not soften it.
“I was thirty-one. My sister was dead. I knew the crash wasn't his fault. I still wanted the last person she'd fought with to feel worse.”
Ava stared at the table.
“What about me?”
Rachel's mouth tightened.
“You were four.”
“Exactly.”
“I know.”
“You could've come.”
“Yes.”
“Why didn't you?”
Rachel rubbed her thumb along the coffee cup.
“Because the first time I visited after the funeral, you called Vanessa ‘Mom’ by accident.”
Ava went still.
“I did?”
“You were tired.”
She didn't remember.
Rachel continued.
“I went into the bathroom and cried like an idiot.”
Ava said nothing.
“I told myself you were replacing Julia.”
“I was four.”
“I know.”
“So you punished me?”
Rachel flinched.
“No.”
“Sounds like it.”
“It was cowardice, not punishment.”
“Great distinction.”
Rachel accepted that.
“I came less. Then Vanessa married Daniel. I hated that too.”
“Because you thought they had something before?”
“For about a year.”
“Did they?”
“No.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I tried very hard to prove it.”
Ava looked at her.
Rachel almost smiled.
“I checked dates. Asked friends. Made myself unpleasant.”
“And?”
“They didn't.”
Ava sat back.
That killed another easy story.
“Vanessa says Mom was her friend.”
“She was.”
“How close?”
“Closer than Vanessa and I were.”
Rachel's expression changed.
“That made it worse.”
“You were jealous too.”
Rachel laughed sadly.
“Apparently Julia had a talent for leaving jealous women behind.”
Ava didn't laugh.
Rachel looked toward the counter.
“Vanessa was there when Julia needed somebody. More than I was.”
“Then she hid her letter.”
“Yes.”
“Both things can be true?”
“Usually.”
Ava hated that answer.
Not because it was wrong.
Because it didn't tell her whom to choose.
Her phone buzzed.
Vanessa.
She looked at the screen.
Rachel noticed.
“What?”
Ava read the message.
I found the other half of the photo ash. Most of it is gone. I saved what I could. I won't touch it again unless you ask.
Ava locked the phone.
Rachel said nothing.
Ava looked at her.
“You want to know?”
“Yes.”
“Then ask.”
Rachel blinked.
Ava realized she sounded like her mother without knowing whether her mother had ever said anything similar.
That was the problem with ghosts.
People could put any voice in their mouths.
Ava unlocked the phone.
She didn't reply to Vanessa.
Not yet.
Instead she opened the photograph she'd taken of Julia's sealed letter.
May you like
For the first time, she wanted to read it.
She still wasn't ready to let anyone watch.
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