Chapter 14 - Leah Was Not Ready To Forgive Vanessa
Vanessa and Leah met off base.
Leah asked me to come.
Vanessa did not.
I nearly said no.
Then Leah said:
“I need someone in the room who knows what being protected by her feels like.”
That was manipulative.
Also honest.
We met at a hotel lounge.
Public.
Vanessa wore civilian clothes.
It made her look smaller.
Leah sat across from her.
I sat at the end.
No mediator.
Probably a mistake.
Vanessa started.
“I’m sorry.”
Leah raised one hand.
“Not yet.”
Vanessa stopped.
“Tell me what you thought was happening.”
Vanessa looked at her daughter.
“I thought Julian had you.”
“He did sometimes.”
“I thought he could make you disappear permanently.”
“He could have tried.”
“I thought keeping Rachel dead kept attention away from you.”
“Sometimes it did.”
Vanessa swallowed.
“I thought—”
Leah interrupted.
“You thought constantly.”
Vanessa stopped.
Leah's voice remained calm.
“You thought for me. For Rachel. For Laura. For the investigation.”
“Yes.”
“Did you ever ask whether I wanted you to protect your career?”
Vanessa looked down.
“No.”
“Because you did.”
“Yes.”
“How much?”
Vanessa took a long time.
“Enough that I hate the answer.”
Leah waited.
Vanessa forced herself to finish.
“I told myself staying in command gave me power to find you.”
“And?”
“It also gave me a reason not to confess what I'd done.”
Leah looked away.
No neat mother.
Then Vanessa asked:
“Why did you stay with Julian?”
Leah's jaw tightened.
I watched her fight the instinct to say hostage.
“I wanted access.”
“To the names.”
“Yes.”
“More.”
Leah looked at me.
I stayed quiet.
She turned back.
“I liked being the person Julian called before generals.”
Vanessa's face changed.
“He made me matter.”
“You already mattered.”
“To you.”
Leah laughed softly.
“That was sometimes the problem.”
Vanessa flinched.
Leah continued:
“With Julian I wasn't your daughter. I was the analyst who understood the network.”
“Until he used you.”
“Yes.”
“You still stayed.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because leaving meant admitting I had helped him maintain it.”
Silence.
Then Leah looked at me.
“Sound familiar?”
Unfortunately.
I nodded.
Vanessa asked:
“Did you send Rachel back because you wanted to expose Julian?”
“Partly.”
“And?”
Leah looked at her mother.
“I wanted to see what you would do when she stood in front of you.”
Vanessa went still.
“You used her to test me.”
“Yes.”
I leaned back.
“Glad we're finally getting to that.”
Leah looked ashamed.
“I’m sorry.”
“That's between us later.”
She nodded.
Vanessa asked:
“What result were you hoping for?”
“That you'd tell the truth.”
“And if I didn't?”
Leah took too long.
Vanessa saw.
“What?”
“I would have given Holt the case without you.”
“And let me lie publicly.”
“Yes.”
Vanessa stared.
Leah continued:
“I needed to know whether you were still protecting the system or just afraid.”
“What's the difference?”
Leah's eyes filled.
“One I might eventually forgive.”
Vanessa looked away.
No answer.
We sat until the waiter came and asked if we needed anything else.
Vanessa said:
“No.”
Leah said:
“Coffee.”
I almost laughed.
The waiter left.
Vanessa looked at her daughter.
“Where are you staying?”
Leah stared.
“No.”
Vanessa's mouth opened.
Closed.
“Okay.”
That was the entire repair for that night.
A mother asked.
A daughter refused.
The mother didn't turn fear into pursuit.
When we left, Leah walked one direction.
Vanessa another.
I stood under the hotel awning.
Neither asked me to follow.
May you like
That felt strange.
Better.
