Chapter 11 - I Had Liked The Room Choosing Me
Mason asked me to walk.
Not drive.
Not sit in an office.
We circled the track behind the gym while the postponed ceremony dissolved into phone calls inside headquarters.
“What did the salute do to me?”
He kept walking.
“First day?”
“Yes.”
“You were terrified.”
“That seems reasonable.”
“Then people started treating you like you'd saved them.”
My stomach tightened.
“Did I?”
“You exposed something.”
“Not what I asked.”
“No.”
He looked ahead.
“You didn't save us.”
Good.
“What changed?”
“For about two weeks, you became the person everybody brought everything to.”
“Complaints.”
“Yes.”
“About Walter?”
“Him. Other instructors. assignments. relationships. whatever.”
“Why?”
“Because eleven people stood up and suddenly you were the one person who had made command stop the room.”
I could imagine how intoxicating that would feel.
Mason continued:
“You hated what Walter had done with influence.”
I looked at him.
“And started liking mine.”
“Yes.”
That landed cleanly.
“What did I do?”
“You started deciding which complaints were serious enough to forward.”
My jaw tightened.
“Was that my job?”
“No.”
“Did anyone ask me?”
“Some did.”
“Command?”
“No.”
“So I became another gate.”
“Yeah.”
I stared at the track.
“That’s why I transferred.”
“Partly.”
“What happened?”
“Nia called you out again.”
Of course she did.
“What did she say?”
Mason smiled faintly.
“You really want exact quotes from this woman.”
“She seems efficient.”
He almost laughed.
Then:
“She asked why every broken system in the unit suddenly had to pass through Rachel Carter before it became real.”
I winced.
“Did I get angry?”
“Very.”
“Then?”
“You apologized the next day.”
“Useful?”
“Not immediately.”
Fair.
“What else?”
“You and I fought.”
“Verbally?”
“Yes.”
“About?”
He took time.
“You thought I liked being the victim of the investigation.”
I stopped walking.
“What?”
“You thought I was letting everybody blame me because it gave me a reason not to admit what I'd done.”
“Which was?”
“Bell's score.”
The one he changed.
“And?”
“I also knew Walter was using the Circle earlier than I admitted.”
I stared.
“How much earlier?”
“About a month.”
“So we both delayed.”
“Yes.”
“Why didn't you tell me?”
“I wanted the program to keep going.”
“Because?”
“It made me important too.”
There.
No need for cleaner motives.
We started walking again.
“What happened in our argument?”
“You told me we had built a room where everyone needed us.”
“And?”
“I told you that was the point.”
I looked at him.
“Seriously?”
“I was thirty.”
“That isn't twelve.”
“I know.”
“What did I say?”
Mason thought.
“That if we stayed, we'd spend the next year proving we were different from Walter while acting exactly like him.”
I could hear myself saying it.
Not a memory.
Recognition.
“So I requested transfer.”
“Yes.”
“Did Walter approve?”
“Immediately.”
That surprised me.
“Why?”
“He wanted you gone.”
“Of course.”
“And…”
Mason stopped.
“What?”
“He also told me afterward you were right to leave.”
I stared.
“Walter said that.”
“Yes.”
Messy again.
A man could exploit my departure and still believe I needed it.
“What did you do?”
“Stayed.”
“Why?”
“Because leaving felt like admitting the Circle was all I was.”
“And now you're about to inherit the program.”
“I was.”
“Do you still want it?”
Mason looked toward the training building.
“I don't know.”
That answer seemed new for him.
We walked another lap.
Then I asked:
“Why did you provoke me today?”
He looked ashamed.
“I wanted to see if you remembered me.”
“I knew your name.”
“Not what I meant.”
“What did you want?”
“For you to hate me.”
I stared.
He continued before I could.
“If you came back confused and everybody treated you like some injured hero, I didn't know what I was supposed to do with the fact that I had spent two years angry.”
“So you made sure I gave you a reason.”
“Yes.”
“You grabbed me.”
“Yes.”
“Shoved me.”
“Yes.”
“Kept attacking.”
“Yes.”
“Walter order any of it?”
“No.”
“Dana?”
“No.”
“Your choice.”
“Yes.”
Good.
Then he said:
“I also thought if you fought like before, I'd know Walter was lying about how much you remembered.”
I stopped again.
“So you tested me too.”
His face tightened.
“Yes.”
Dana used the salute.
Mason used violence.
Walter used recovery conversations.
Everyone had turned my missing memory into space they could work inside.
I looked at Mason.
“You're not getting the training lead.”
His face hardened automatically.
“You don't decide that.”
I nodded.
“You're right.”
He stared.
Then gave a short laugh.
“Damn.”
“What?”
“I wanted to argue.”
“You still can.”
“No.”
He looked toward headquarters.
“Price decides.”
“Or whoever she appoints.”
“Yeah.”
We resumed walking.
At the end of the track, Nia was waiting.
She looked at both of us.
“General Price wants everyone back.”
“Why?”
Nia held out her phone.
An email had gone to the unit.
Today's ceremony was canceled.
Not postponed anymore.
Colonel Hayes would relinquish command administratively that evening while a review continued.
Mason stared at the screen.
Then said:
“He's going to think we destroyed his last day.”
Nia looked at him.
“Did we?”
Nobody answered.
Then she added:
“Price also suspended your appointment.”
Mason closed his eyes.
He had lost the job.
May you like
Not to me.
To the question.
