Chapter 16 - THE FIRST MEETING WITH SOPHIE
Lena agreed to let Jacob meet Sophie after he completed residential treatment.
The meeting would occur at a family-services office. A counselor would remain in the room. Lena would sit beside Sophie. Jacob would have no physical contact unless Sophie initiated it. No promises. No gifts over twenty dollars. No requests for future visits.
Jacob accepted every condition.
Sophie asked me to come.
“I don’t think I should,” I said.
“What if I want to leave?”
“Your mother will take you.”
“What if he starts lying?”
“The counselor will stop him.”
“What if I can’t tell?”
That question changed my answer.
I sat in the waiting room, not the meeting room. Near enough for Sophie to reach me. Far enough that Jacob could not use my presence as a shortcut to family.
Through the narrow glass panel, I saw him enter.
He wore khaki pants and a white shirt. His hair had begun graying at the temples. He stopped when he saw Sophie.
For several seconds, no one spoke.
She looked fourteen.
He looked forty-two.
Thirteen missing years stood between them without needing a chair.
Jacob sat across from her.
“I’m not going to ask you to forgive me,” he said.
Sophie crossed her arms.
“Grandma said you’re not supposed to.”
His eyes moved toward the glass.
I stepped out of view.
“No,” Jacob said. “I’m not.”
“Why did you tell Mom your mother hated me?”
“Because if she believed my mother rejected you, then I didn’t have to explain why I kept failing to show up.”
Sophie stared at him.
“Did you want me?”
Jacob’s face broke.
“Yes.”
“Then why weren’t you there?”
He took a long breath.
“Because wanting you made me feel like a good father. Being there required me to act like one.”
Lena covered her mouth.
Sophie looked toward the floor.
Jacob continued.
“I chose gambling, drinking, and hiding. When I felt ashamed, I stayed away until enough time passed that coming back became harder. Then I blamed your mother for not making it easy.”
“Were the letters from treatment real?”
“The feelings were real. Sending them without permission was wrong.”
“You used me to get to Grandma.”
“Yes.”
Sophie’s eyes filled with tears.
“I hate that you keep saying yes.”
“I used to think explanations could turn yes into no.”
The counselor asked whether Sophie wanted a break.
She shook her head.
“Do you love Grandma?”
Jacob looked toward the wall that separated us.
“Yes.”
“Then why did you hit her?”
His hands tightened against his knees.
“Because I thought her love belonged to me more than her body belonged to her.”
Even through the wall, the sentence struck me.
Sophie cried then.
Not loudly. Tears slid down her face while she remained sitting upright.
Jacob did not move toward her.
“Can I say I’m sorry?” he asked.
She wiped her cheek.
“You can say it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“That doesn’t fix it.”
“No.”
“You missed everything.”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me.”
“No.”
“Stop saying yes.”
Jacob lowered his eyes.
“I don’t know what else is honest.”
The session ended after forty minutes. Sophie came into the waiting room and sat beside me without speaking. Lena stood near the door, crying quietly.
Jacob emerged last with the counselor.
He saw me.
I saw the effort it took not to approach.
Then Sophie stood.
“You can come to the next meeting,” she told him.
Jacob pressed one hand against his mouth.
“Okay.”
“But don’t bring biscuits.”
He almost laughed through his tears.
“Okay.”
“Grandma makes them better.”
“I know.”
May you like
For the first time, the sentence did not sound like he was borrowing something from me.
It sounded like a fact he was willing to live beside.
