Chapter 13 - Julian Stopped Blaming Maya
Julian asked to meet a month later.
Public counseling office.
Not my apartment.
Not Dad's.
No baby.
He looked thinner.
I noticed.
Did not say it.
He sat across from me.
“I spoke to Maya.”
My attention sharpened.
“Did she want that?”
“Yes.”
“You sure?”
“She agreed through the therapist.”
Good.
“What did you say?”
“I apologized.”
“For leaving?”
“Yes.”
“What did she say?”
“That I was eleven years late.”
“Fair.”
“She also said I keep using ‘left’ like one day.”
He looked at me.
“She said I left Tessa every time I decided Victor couldn't be excluded from something.”
That sounded accurate.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing.”
“Good.”
Julian almost smiled.
Then:
“I asked about Tessa.”
My chest tightened.
“She doesn't want contact.”
His eyes filled.
“She told you?”
“Maya did.”
He nodded.
No argument.
“Does that surprise you?”
“No.”
“Does it hurt?”
“Yes.”
We sat.
Then Julian said:
“I always told myself Maya took four years from me.”
“And?”
“I had seven after that.”
I looked at him.
“What?”
“Tessa is eleven.”
He rubbed his hands together.
“I stopped seeing her at four.”
There were seven years where Julian could have asked Maya whether a visit without Victor was possible.
Could have sent letters.
Could have paid support without turning it into access.
Could have grown.
He didn't.
“I made the boundary permanent because I hated it.”
I nodded.
No need to explain.
Then:
“What do you want from Grace?”
Julian took time.
“To know her.”
“That’s vague.”
“To be someone she isn't afraid of.”
Better.
“And Sofia?”
His eyes met mine.
“I want you back.”
“No.”
He flinched.
The answer surprised him.
Maybe me too.
Not because divorce had been decided forever.
Because I could say no without preparing a courtroom argument.
“Okay.”
His voice cracked.
Then:
“Do you hate me?”
“Sometimes.”
He nodded.
“What about other times?”
“I don't know yet.”
That hurt both of us.
Good.
I asked:
“Why did you let Victor into every decision?”
Julian looked away.
“Because if he agreed, I didn't have to know whether I was wrong.”
There.
He continued:
“And because he paid for things.”
Not only emotional dependence.
Money.
Victor had helped with their first house.
Business loan.
College debt.
Julian had confused assistance with authority for years.
“Are you still working with him?”
“No.”
“Your company?”
“I resigned.”
That surprised me.
“Because of Grace?”
“Because he called her temporary.”
His face tightened.
“I heard it differently when it was my daughter.”
I thought of Tessa.
“So you needed a second daughter.”
Julian closed his eyes.
“Yes.”
Not redemption.
Cost.
Then he said:
“I’m sorry I slapped you.”
I waited.
“I’m sorry I kicked the bassinet.”
Waited.
“I’m sorry I removed the bracelet.”
Waited.
“I’m sorry I knew about the second record and decided it wasn't my problem until it became embarrassing.”
That one mattered.
No bundled apology.
He looked at me.
“And I'm sorry I made the fact that Grace is a girl something you had to survive.”
My throat tightened.
I nodded once.
“Thank you.”
His face changed.
Not forgiveness.
Acknowledgment.
That was all.
At the end he asked:
“Can I see a picture?”
I thought.
Then took out my phone.
Not live access.
Not her address.
One photograph.
Grace asleep in a yellow onesie Maya had mailed anonymously from Tessa.
Julian stared.
“Yellow?”
“Tessa chose it.”
His face broke.
I almost took the phone away.
Then let him look for five more seconds.
May you like
He handed it back himself.
For once, he stopped before somebody else told him to.
