Chapter 4 - The Baby Ryan Thought I Wanted
I left the room.
Not the house.
I went into the kitchen because if I stayed near Ryan I was going to say something I couldn't unsay.
He followed.
Of course he did.
“Claire.”
I opened a cabinet.
Closed it.
Opened another.
I had no idea what I was looking for.
“Claire.”
I turned.
“You told your sister I wanted her baby.”
“I told her you wanted children.”
“Those are not the same sentence.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
He rubbed his forehead.
“After we stopped trying, you said if life put a child in front of us some other way, you didn’t know if you could say no.”
I remembered.
One night.
Two glasses of wine.
Six weeks after we'd packed away the tiny knitted hat my mother had bought too early.
I had cried against his shoulder and said something like:
Maybe I'm done trying to control how it happens. If some child ever needs us, maybe that's enough.
I stared at him.
“That was two years ago.”
“Yes.”
“I was grieving.”
“I know.”
“It was not permission to volunteer me as an adoptive mother.”
“I didn’t volunteer you.”
“You told Jenna I wanted her daughter.”
He looked toward the living room.
“I wanted her to know she had options.”
“She already had one.”
“You mean strangers.”
I stared.
“So that's what this is.”
“What?”
“You don’t respect the adoption.”
His jaw tightened.
“I don't understand choosing strangers when family is standing right here.”
“That isn't your choice.”
“She’s my sister.”
“Exactly.”
He looked hurt.
I continued:
“You're supposed to be the person who can love her without taking over.”
His voice dropped.
“You haven’t seen her the last four months.”
“Because nobody told me she was pregnant.”
“She asked me not to.”
“And I am not angry about that.”
He blinked.
Maybe he'd been building his defense around the wrong accusation.
I continued.
“Jenna gets privacy about her pregnancy.”
“Yes.”
“She does not get to leave a newborn in my house based on a lie you told her about me.”
He looked down.
“No.”
That was the first clean answer.
From the living room, Jenna called:
“Claire?”
I returned.
She was standing now.
Evelyn had packed the diaper bag.
Jenna adjusted the carrier against her chest.
“You’re leaving?”
“Yes.”
Ryan immediately said:
“No.”
Jenna stared at him.
He corrected:
“I mean—where?”
She laughed bitterly.
“See?”
Ryan stopped.
Jenna looked at me.
“I’m going to Hannah’s.”
“Who’s Hannah?”
“The adoptive mother.”
Evelyn went pale.
“Jenna.”
“Mom.”
“You said you were taking a week.”
“I did.”
“You have four days left.”
Jenna stared at her.
“A newborn isn't a library book.”
Evelyn's face tightened.
“You're exhausted.”
“Yes.”
“You haven't slept.”
“Yes.”
“You have barely eaten.”
“Yes.”
“Then don't make a life decision today.”
Jenna's eyes filled.
“I made the decision before I gave birth.”
“You made a plan.”
Evelyn stepped closer.
“Then she arrived.”
Jenna recoiled slightly.
I noticed.
So did Ryan.
Evelyn stopped.
Jenna looked at me.
“Hannah and Luke live forty minutes away.”
The couple.
“Are they expecting you?”
“No.”
Ryan said:
“Then don’t show up like this.”
Jenna snapped:
“Stop arranging me.”
The baby stirred.
Everybody went quiet.
Jenna bounced her gently.
Then looked at me.
“I need my car seat.”
The empty seat was still sitting in the driveway beside broken glass.
I almost laughed at the absurdity.
“I’ll drive you.”
Ryan said:
“Claire.”
I looked at him.
Not angry now.
Clear.
“She doesn’t need another person deciding where she can go.”
Jenna studied me.
“You don't have to.”
“I know.”
She nodded.
“Okay.”
We went outside.
Ryan followed to the porch.
Evelyn stayed behind him.
I picked up the car seat.
Jenna watched the shattered truck window.
“What happened?”
“I thought Ryan had another family.”
She made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob.
“I’m sorry.”
“I'm not sure this is better.”
She looked toward her brother.
“Neither am I.”
I buckled the seat into my car.
Before Jenna got in, Ryan said:
“Please don’t sign anything tonight.”
She looked at him.
“I’m not signing tonight.”
His shoulders loosened.
Then she added:
“I’m going to tell Hannah and Luke why I disappeared.”
Ryan’s face tightened again.
Jenna noticed.
“What?”
He shook his head.
“Nothing.”
She stared.
“Ryan.”
Nothing.
I looked between them.
“What don’t they know?”
Jenna's face changed.
She turned slowly toward her brother.
“What did you tell them?”
Ryan didn’t answer.
Jenna’s voice went very quiet.
“What did you tell them, Ryan?”
He finally said:
“I told them the family needed more time.”
Jenna stared.
“I never gave you permission to call them.”
Ryan looked at me.
Then his sister.
May you like
And that was the moment I realized his lie had not been built only around me.
He had been speaking for everyone.
